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FILM REVIEWS
Anaconda (1997)
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Directed by: Luis Llosa
Written by: Hans Bauer, Jim Cash, Jack Epps Jr.
Produced by: Andy Fickman, Verna Harrah, Carole Little, Beau Marks, Leonard Rabinowitz, Susan Ruskin
Distributor: Columbia Pictures
Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz, Jonathan Hyde, Owen Wilson, Kari Wuhrer, Vincent Castellanos, Danny Trejo
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Review by Dr. Scott
Seeing ANACONDA for the first time in full this morning, I found myself utterly gleeful at the sight of Jennifer "Satan" Lopez slumming it in one of her early movie roles opposite a bloated, scaly monster. And, besides John Voight, there's also a big-ass snake in the movie. You know, for a while there I had been fooled by the rocks that J.Lo's got, but with ANACONDA it's clear that she's always been a terrible fucking actress.
 | HAHAHAHAHAHA (JenniferLopezSucksAss) HAHAHAHAHA!
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ANACONDA tells the story of a small boat traveling up some river in some country covered in a bunch of jungle sets. The boat is doing some sort of research, I think (So I wasn't paying the closest attention- sue me), and is staffed by the aforementioned waste of life from the "southside Bronx", Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz, Kari Wuhrer, and Owen Wilson. You know, I bet Lopez would deny that she was even in this flick if you brought it up in conversation. I further submit that it was likely her work here that caused Affleck to swoon. She's that, uh, good!
But I can't spend this entire review mocking the all-singing, all-acting Latin Ass Queen (not Ricky Martin, as previously thought). There's simply too many terrible things about ANACONDA for me to devote two pages to Lopez. But I really would like to get some more cheap shots in, so let's talk about the other bad stuff right quick so I can get back to talking shit about her (Makes me feel like a "big man").
For one thing, there's the story. I started telling you what it was just a moment ago and got sidetracked. That's typical of the flick: You'll be watching it, and then you'll get to thinking about something ridiculous you've just seen, which will in turn make you think of something else, and before you know it you've completely spaced out and then HOLY SHIT THERE'S A BIG-ASS SNAKE ATTACKING PEOPLE ON THAT BOAT! See? I've already gotten off topic trying to tell you what the "plot" is. Let's try it one more time.
So, there's this boat, with some researchers and photographers, and they're traveling up this river in some jungle somewhere. They happen to bump into Voight- doing his damndest to be menacing and convincing with some outrageous accent throughout the film (one cancels out the other)- who comes aboard and, uh, tells them about this, um, anaconda and...okay, so I don't know what exactly he's doing on the boat. I lost track of the thing. Basically, Voight knows that there's some big-ass snake in them-thar waters, and he guides this crew up the river in search of something to research and photograph. Do I even need to tell you that this group will get picked off, one by one, until we're down to two or three of the higher-paid (or bigger-assed) cast members? No? Didn't think so.
Jennifer Lopez is a dirty bitch.
The film was directed by someone named Luis Llosa, who I learn in my "research" for this review that "Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone in a Shower" flick THE SPECIALIST. Remember that one? Man, I had totally forgotten about it. Thanks for bringing that up, ANACONDA. Other than this and THE SPECIALIST, this director really hasn't done much else. I see that Luis has done a good amount of Spanish TV producing. Do with that what you will. Because we haven't had another film from Llosa since ANACONDA, I can only assume that it's because he's protesting the lack of a Best Director nod for his work here. When we can learn to appreciate Llosa, maybe then he'll consider giving us another film. But we have to earn it, people.
Jennifer Lopez is a dumb-ass, tacky skank.
 | HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (JenniferLopezIsSatan) HAHAHAHAHAHA!
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I would be lying if I said I hated everything about this film. I liked Owen Wilson. This isn't anything new: The guy's always fun to watch. He plays the same role every time, sure, but at least it's a fun character. Wilson has made a career on being the lazy, laid-back guy in the cast. Imagine that for a moment. You're a movie star, so you're probably already a little lazy to begin with, what with all the personal assistants and gophers you have doing shit for you all the time. But then, you manage to land your own niche in Hollywood by being lazy on camera, and you find out that someone will always be up for paying you millions of dollars to do just that. And people love you for it. Owen Wilson probably gets more ass than a toilet seat, and I love him for it.
Jennifer Lopez loves Adolf Hitler.
The "special" effects are, well, a touch lackluster. If movie effects went to school, ANACONDA's effects would be riding the short bus. Which, I guess, makes them "very special" effects. The much-referenced anaconda of the title appears in five foot sections for the majority of the film. You know: You see the head, clearly just a giant sculpt being held up by three dudes in Slayer T-shirts, or you see the tail wrapping around someone in a menacing manner (There seems to be an abundance of "menacing" in ANACONDA, which would be an interesting topic for a senior year thesis if anyone's interested). On the few occasions where we do see the snake in the altogether, it's clearly CGI. Besides the snake, I began to get the impression about half an hour into the film that the whole goddamn movie was shot on the same quarter mile of river, kind of like in old cartoons where the characters would chase one another past the same end table and telephone over and over. Even the blood, something that's I assumed had long ago been perfected in movies to look, well, real and stuff, looks like shit.
Jennifer Lopez wants to kill your pets.
I really should talk about John Voight some more. Here's an actor who once had an enormous amount of respect in the film industry. Nowadays, he's completely overshadowed by his stunningly beautiful daughter, Angelina Jolie, and has figured out that the best way to stay in front of the cameras- not necessarily film cameras, but cameras nonetheless- is to bitch and moan about her. Classy, John. But not as classy as his performance in ANACONDA! Voight employs one of the most ludicrous, phony accents I've ever had the privilege of being exposed to. I think it's supposed to be a Spanish accent, but it seems to follow its own rules and cadence. Maybe it was Esperanto. Besides sounding like a total fucking moron, Voight also spends the entire film making a face that I like to call "Who Farted?" (Or, since this is a classy production, "Who Passed Gas?") and supplying the film with more menacing moments. I also liked his bright orangey-red t-shirt. I imagine that a lot of the budget went to painting things white and covering them with flowers to keep Lopez from having an nervous breakdown, so we can give them a little lee-way on the costumes, I guess.
Jennifer Lopez is the reason for the term "DVDA", and if you don't know what that means, let me direct you to the nearest adult bookstore.
 | HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (AndABitchToo) AHAHAHAHAHA!
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I guess it's kind of unfair taking shots like this at ANACONDA, kind of like slinging rocks at a retarded kid on the playground. And not when you were in school with the kid, either, but nowadays, all grown up, going down to the playground, finding a retarded kid, rustling up some rocks, and beaning him with 'em from thirty feet away. But that raises a question: Is that so wrong?
No, my friends. Not at all. Besides, I'm a Doctor, people. And, incidentally, Jennifer Lopez is starring in a Donkey Show in Matamoros this weekend; Call Ticketmaster for details.
Bottom Line: ANACONDA would be a good "party movie", I guess. Beyond that, it's just embarrassing. The acting, special effects, direction, and plot are all laughable; There's far too much menacing things taking place for us to take anything even remotely seriously. Okay, yeah, ANACONDA is a big piece of shit. Like Jennifer "Two Fists" Lopez.
Visit the Dr. Scott archive on SellAScript.com by clicking here.
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